Red Dwarf back to reality
by black dagger
Summary: An edited version of the original. Rimmer works out he's not alone, and Lister and Kochanski have the first human child in 1,000,000 years


Back to reality.

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To understand ALL of the ideas in this you must have read

_'Last human' by Doug Naylor. Its not vital but it helps_

 Disclaimer: Any characters from red dwarf are property of Grant Naylor. 

Part 1 'I'm smegging dead' 

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 Rimmer opened his blood-shot eyes. He'd had his son back, he'd gained the trust and friendship of someone he'd spent years with on a big empty spaceship. And he'd wasted it all, on what? Some stupid smegging heroic stunt that had got him killed. And the annoying thing was it wasn't even the first time. How the smegging hell can someone die twice? Arnold Judas Rimmer can. He stood up, he didn't know how it had happened, or why, but Rimmer had started to breath again. And what was really annoying was that now he could FEEL the pain that the bullet had made on his hologramatic body not a year ago. Rimmer was living his 3rd life, and all 3 of them were possibly the most annoying thing that had happened to him.

 Dave Lister ran down the stairs of his wooden house, which he and Kryten had built to house him and Kristine Kochanski, the last human woman, who was carrying Lister's baby.

"Kryters Man!! Its comin, Get here quick and have a lot of lager!!"

"Sir, are you sure you should drink while delivering a baby? You've never done it before, what if you slip and the baby somehow gets hurt?"

"The lager isn't for me, guy. It's for krissie. Its to help fight the agony of child birth."

"Very well sir, hot water and a towel on stand-by" Lister ran out of the house…

"We're gonna have a kid!!"

  Another quality meal for Rimmsy. Fried Bread with an egg on top. No Italian food for Rimmer, right now Rimmer would even go for a curry, something that usually turned him stomach. Rimmer didn't know where he was. He knew where he wasn't, and that was somewhere he wanted to be. What was really bad was that of all the places in the whole of space, he ended up where the cook only knew how to do fried bread. And an occasional egg. Rimmer could think up only three theories. Either he was in heaven, Impossible, he had been rebuilt by aliens, possible and the best of the three theories, or he had been somehow brought back to Red Dwarf, which, in light of the fact that they hadn't seen it in nearly 200 years and in light of the fact that it was run by a senile computer and his blind robotic skutter slaves, it was the last place Rimmer wanted to be. Having weighed out the possibility's he opened the door in front of him. Well, its not aliens, if it were aliens, he'd be dead again…

 Kryten stared at Mcgruder 

"Sir, he's been in there nearly 10 hours now. I think I should at least take him in a vindaloo."

"You shouldn't do that, old chum. Dave is in there doing what he does best. Delivering a baby from a woman whose drunk too much"

"I know sir, I'm just worried that they've got into a sticky situation and they need emergency surgery, Mr Lister can't do that!"

"That may be so, but it was Dave's instructions to leave them alone until he comes out. And so I say we stay in here."

Kryten tried his trump card

"You know what they're naming him, sir?"

"I'd heard the rumour but I didn't believe it at first. It seemed like Dave despised my dad. But its there kid, they can pick any name they want."

Lister walked out of the hut

"Hey guys, its a little boy. Well, Rimmer saved our lives and was brave and everything. So, I think its only fair that the first new human being is called Arnold Michael Lister."

Michael J. Mcgruder, Son of Arnold J. Rimmer, Beamed. A baby was being named after him and his father, who had never been close up until the end. Michael had grown up believing that Rimmer was the strongest, bravest person in the world. When he found out the truth he'd ignored Rimmer, and then Rimmer had saved the crew and sacrificed himself for the good of his friends. That was true bravery

"You've given him a name he can be proud of" Mcgruder said

"If only the real Rimmer was around. I miss his sarcasm, and his put-downs, and his cowardice, and his sneakiness. Underneath all that you had a brave friend and although he never showed it until the end, I think he was changing for the better.

 Rimmer stepped forward…it was strange…everything was silent. Wherever he was, the engines were off. He walked up to a screen set in the wall. 

"On" he said. The screen lit up and a blonde haired girl came up on the screen

"Oh no!! He's woken up. What have I done to deserve this misery?" Rimmer stared. 

"Do I know you?" He asked as nicely as he could. 

"Oh, no Arnold. But I know you." A door at the end of the corridor opened.

"Hilly, you buffoon of a computer…" a female voice said from through the door. "Why didn't you tell me that the iceman had woken up? He might need to be quarantined. We'd come to give our little guest a welcome he wouldn't forget" 

"Are you forgetting something, Arle? He's you, only female!" This was too much for Rimmer. Why had he opened the smegging door?

"No Debbie, I'm me, he's him"

"Guys" said the voice of the female computer "I'm getting a distress signal. From a ship called Red Dwarf. Apparently they're really close." The two strangers walked in the room. One was tall and looked surprising like Rimmer had not so long ago. And the other was a female scouse, whom took a resemblance of Lister before he'd settled down with Kochanski. The female Lister took a swig from the cup she was holding labelled "beer milkshake". He sighed, wait until she knew what it did to her bowels. That would set her straight. The image of a balding south London man appeared on the screen.

"This is an SOS distress call from the mining ship Red Dwarf. The crew are dead, killed by a radiation leak. The only survivors are Dave Lister who was in suspended animation during the disaster and his pregnant cat that was safely sealed in the hold. Revived three million years later, Lister's only companions are a life-form evolved from his cat and Arnold Rimmer, a hologram simulation of one of the dead crew...we are however missing one of our crew and the tracker says we can find him here. Rimmer is needed back here straight away otherwise we'll open fire"

Rimmer was shocked. This was part of an SOS call that Holly, red dwarfs senile computer, had sent hundreds of years ago. There was no way that Red Dwarf could be near and have ALL the crew on.

"What we gonna do? I suggest we send him over" The one called deb said

"Too right were going to send him over. We'll Smefing die," Shouted the one called Arle

"Smefing?" Rimmer said nastily "that's not even a word."

"Shut up, honey" Arle snapped, "let us think, tuts."

Rimmer was FURIOUS. He was so angry; he walked down to the cargo bay. He got into a ship and stood, as if frozen solid. He'd just heard something in the ship he was getting into. 

"Hey buddy, do you wanna sniff my behind?" Rimmer did the only thing he'd learned how. He ran as fast as he could, as far as he could.

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End file.
